Some people would argue that no art can have any objective elements to it, other than the facts of the medium it’s presented in. However, it is possible to look at a piece of art, see what it’s aiming for, compare it to the rest of the art in its field, and come to conclusions that will be widely accepted by enjoyers of said artistic field.

So with that definition in mind, I’d like to say: Elden Ring is objectively good. This is not a fringe opinion – it’s the best selling game of the last twelve months, and unlike Cyberpunk 2077, not many people are demanding a refund.

And I can see why. I can look at the world design and marvel at the level of detail and the sheer originality of it all. I can look at the mechanics of the game and acknowledge how well they work. I love how it and its predecessors integrate the multiplayer elements as part of the story and setting. I can also look at the enjoyment I’m getting out of it, and acknowledge that I hate it.

Okay, “hate” is a strong word – I’ve sunk ninety hours into the game so far, and I wouldn’t do that to a game I don’t like. But as they say, “hate” is not the opposite of “love” – indifference is. I’m writing this post because I really do like Elden Ring for a lot of reasons, but I’ve decided I probably won’t finish it, because I’m not having fun.

I think it’s mainly due to how slow everything feels. Using items is slow. Rolling is slow. Attacking is slow. Combat is slow. Door opening animations are slow. And I get that this is what they’re going for. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing. Again, it objectively works from a mechanics perspective. But in between beating Dark Souls 3 and playing Elden Ring, I’ve experienced a number of games that made me realize what I actually enjoy in a game.

The best examples of what I like are Celeste, Hades, Hollow Knight, and Dead Cells. Three of the four are side scrollers, while Hades is isometric. In all of them, combat and movement is lightning fast. In Dead Cells, you don’t even open doors, you just roll through them and they explode in a shower of pixelated sawdust.

Hollow Knight is probably the closest to Elden Ring, in both mechanics and atmosphere, and the slowest paced of the four. And yet, compare the final boss fight in Hollow Knight to the final boss fight in Elden Ring. You only have to watch a couple seconds of each to appreciate the difference.

Another thing my four example games have in common that sets them apart from Elden Ring is that there is a minimum of downtime. Even in Hollow Knight (again, the slowest paced of them) you’re always wall-jumping and pogoing on enemies’ heads just to traverse the environment. In Celeste, when you die you just respawn in under a second at the start of the stage.

So is this entire post just to say “hey look at this, more evidence I have ADHD, in the form of video game preferences”? Maybe. But also I think it might be valuable to you, dear reader, to consider keeping an eye on the amount of fun a video game provides you. If you spend an agonizing five hours of frustration attempting to kill a boss, does the burst of elation at the end outweigh those five hours?

Only you can say.

I said no.